Monday, October 8, 2012

23

23. I feel the same. Maybe it really is nothing much to others but birthdays mean a lot to me. More so when it's spent with the ones that matter and knowing that I matter to them too. Sometimes we need these people in our lives to steer us towards the right track and to guide us back to seeing what's already there.

It is also the time of the year when I would usually look back and evaluate my life. As the people around me fall asleep one by one, here I am, counting my blessings for all the good - and bad - things that happened in and around me since last October. Around this time last year, I was busy making wishlists about what I want others to get me but loyal readers would notice that there isn't any of such lists this year.. maybe I have grown out of making such lists (because they don't really work) or maybe I learnt that whatever I want, I can get for myself some way or another.

Looking back in the past year, so much had happened and I've learned more about myself and gotten to know myself more. Sometimes we are just so caught up in the things that we want and the chase for those things makes us forget what we have that are right in front of us. A dear friend told me today that I should stop in my tracks once in a while to smell the roses. I suppose he has a valid point. I've always been my own worst critic. Maybe it is the way I was brought up, but I always feel that I haven't achieved enough or have not done enough or that I could do better. And without realising, that mentality has made me very exhausted. There's always some place I want to go, or material goods that I want to own. And when I get those things, there is always another thing I want or place I want to go. I am so easily influenced by looking at what others have, without learning that I already have a lot. Wants will always be there but I suppose I've been so caught up with all the wants that I forget to appreciate what I already have, which is frankly, quite a lot for a 23 year-old with my circumstances. I want to learn to appreciate and be satisfied with myself and just learn to be content.

Ask me what I want for my birthday last year and I would come up with a long list of expensive things.

But this year, I only wish for patience, calmness and most of all, peace within myself.

Love,
xiang yun

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